Laws Of 24

This is an expanded version of a Rant I did publish on the blog.

Law #1 - There is always a mole inside CTU: Without fail, the terrorists manage to have a mole inside. Who does CTU's background checks? I'm half convinced it's a crack-addled set of guys named Ed who just kinda glance at the paperwork - "nah, doesn't look moleish to me" and stamp it.

Law #2 - It doesn't matter what crime you commit, CTU will release you from holding and put you back to work unpenalized if an important character bitches long enough: Chloe O'Brian added and abetted a fugitive who was suspected of murdering a former FRELLING PRESIDENT. An hour later, she's back to work. And reinstating (and then firing) Spencer Wolf, despite the fact that the latter let in an assassin that murdered two guards and a doctor and tried to kill Jack. I want to work at CTU, because I can kill people and then go back to work after an hour or two in holding.

Give them points - at least Wolf had an armed guard and was fired.

Law #3 - CTU cannot guard a suspect/hostage to save their gorram lives - if you're "the only link to the terrorists", you will die. Even if you are surrounded by CTU's two best agents (Bauer and Curtis Manning) and a room full of CTU Swat officers and a 13 year old girl is the one that kills you. See also: Saunders being killed by Gael Ortega's widow right smack in the middle of CTU.

Law #4 - Tony Almeida will suffer a life threatening injury requiring major surgery but be up walking, getting in massive gunfights, and saving the day just a few hours later: third year in a row (okay, officially, he hasn't recovered yet, but it's only been an hour. Tony needs three to recover from massive surgery.).

Not that I have a problem with this. Tony rules you all. (Sadly, Tony was finally killed off. Bastards!)

Law #5 - If you partner with Jack Bauer, and your name is not Curtis Manning, you're screwed - every single partner of Jack's has either died, been a mole and then died (Nina Myers), or had his arm chopped off (Special Agent Charlie Brown...er, Chase Edmunds). Tony Almeida got shot in the neck while working with Jack at the mall in Season 3. Gael Ortega, who partnered with Jack on the Salazar virus sting, died of virus. Even Aaron Pierce and Wayne Palmer, who worked with Jack only briefly, caught major beatdowns. Curtis, on the other hand, has the opposite problem - he seems to be okay with Jack, but has gotten his ass knocked out when apart from Jack in two straight seasons. (Shockingly, no one has knocked Curtis out yet THIS season, but we still have three hours left.)

Law #6 - Torture is apparently a routine tactic - they tortured AUDREY, for crying out loud. On nothing more than the word of a known terrorist, they tortured the DAUGHTER of the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, who is the lover of Jack Bauer. And remember how freaking pissed they all got when they couldn't torture the Prado guy in Season 4? Law #6a - If you're a good guy, insanely painful torture takes exactly two hours to recover from - much like Tony's magical ability to heal from life-threatening injuries in 3 hours, Audrey AND Paul Raines, after suffering from torture (and even getting his face bashed in with a McClennon-Forester security guard's nightstick, in the case of the latter) were chipper, fully recovered within two hours or less and doing things like firefights and making out with the guy that tortured you (Jack).

Law #7 - Chloe O'Brian can do anything - hack into the DoD? Sure. Shoot the fuck out of a terrorist (Season 4?) You bet. Take over any satellite, regardless of who it allegedly belongs to? Not a problem. Hack into the security system of any building within seconds and disable it? No sweat. Evade CTU tactical teams despite hiding in one of the most obvious places ever (Buchanan's house.). Yup. Patch Jack through to the stolen fighter jet of a terrorist, along with a complete profile of said terrorist despite only having known he existed for about 4 minutes? Hell, she did that in her sleep YESTERDAY!

Now I want Chloe to apply her superhuman powers to telling me how in the name of Foley the Logan heel turn actually makes sense. If anyone can do it, she can.

Law #8 - Don't ever take over C.T.U. - the fates of "Directors of C.T.U." other than Jack? Let's see....George Mason - dead of radiation poisoning. Tony Almeida - went to federal person for 8 months, dead. Michelle Dessler- dead via car bomb. Ryan Chappelle - DEAD. Lynn McGill - dead via nerve gas. Bill Buchanan and Erin Driscoll are the only two to have had the job and lived (at least, so far), though Driscoll's daughter died and we STILL have two hours to go in this season, so Buchanan could still slip on a banana peel.

Law #9 - If you ever go anywhere in any kind of vehicle, make sure Jack Bauer's in it. - Dina Araz got shot. Several military convoys with fully trained military soldiers have been ambushed and killed apparently without much trouble. Heller DROVE OFF A CLIFF, the insane fucking bastard. And do I need to even go into how many police cars (and the officers driving them) have died at the hands of terrorists?

Law #10 - if you recently gained a new lover, chances are they're a terrorist - the hottie who helped kidnap the Air Force pilot in season 4. Naked Mandy, who not only blew up an entire plane full of people after banging the broody Euro-photographer to get his ID card, but brought the Secretary of Defense's gay son a manly lover so she could do terrorist things to his dad. Elizabeth Nash's (season 1) boy toy was Dennis Hopper's evil son! Lynn McGill's sister's boyfriend in the current season. And of course, let's not forget Nina Myers.

Law #11 - Kim Bauer? Annoying as hell. Sorry Elisha, but you need to bang a writer or something because even on 24, where characters die every hour, you have people who dream of the episode in which you fall down and don't get back up. Speaking of which...

Law #12 - if you're a major character and you die, it's almost always during the last two minutes. Edgar Stiles. Teri Bauer, Original Bride of Keifer. Tony. Nina Myers. If I were a major non-Jack character on 24, I'd hide out in the bathroom for five minutes at the end of the hour.